SCIFI.COM - Farscape

Log File 10211

Hey, Pilot, Crichton again.

Last time I talked to you I was doing my Han Solo impression, right? Frozen in carbonite -- or some sort of nasty metallic stuff, anyhow -- in possibly the most uncomfortable pose I've ever struck. I guess the process stung a bit more than I expected it to. Pity, too -- I had this great pose planned, and a frelling huge grin on my face thanks to D'Argo. Oh, you'll have to ask him about that part.

So anyway, I'm chilling out, stupidly under the assumption that at the very least I'll finally be left alone in for the next eighty years, when Clavor and his Scarran compadre decide it might be fun to break my head off. Their logic is this: if I don't have a head, I can't be Regent, and if I can't be Regent, Katralla can't be Empress, so brother Clavor gets the throne.

Now let me tell you, Pilot, being frozen was a weird enough feeling, but if you've ever had your head snapped off and dumped in a pit of bubbling acid -- which is what Lizard Face and the Boy Wonder did to me -- you'll start to change your definition of "weird feeling."

So while my body's doing an Ichabod Crane back in the Royal Court, my head is bobbing along in the bubbly green acid, until someone comes and retrieves it. Oh, no, not Aeryn or D'Argo or Chiana or Princess Leia dressed as a bounty hunter, no, I'm not that lucky. This time, I'm bailed out by Scorpius.

Apparently he'd been able to trace my DNA from the sample he took when he had me in that frelling chair, and that enabled him to find my head. Don't ask me how that makes sense. I just work here.

So Scorpy takes me back to his little laboratory in the volcano, or wherever, with all sorts of ideas about extracting wormhole data, when what do you know, I'm rescued again. Only this time it's my new friend and repeat-offender savior, Jena.

Jena gets my head reattached and defrosts me, but instead of leaving me in the Royal Court, she smuggles me out to her campsite by the river like it's some sort of army field trip. And I gotta tell you, Pilot, for a Peacekeeper, she's not bad. Her mission, undercover as Clavor's fiance, was to keep the Royal Planet out of the hands of the Scarrans at all costs, which is why I worked so nicely into her plans. And her heart was definitely in the right place -- the Sebaceans that sent her knew that if the Scarrans took control of the planet a lot of innocent people would be killed, and all she wanted was to make sure that didn't happen.

It was a motive I could understand, anyway. And after the last several days, that was a refreshing thing to come across. And she took care of me, and what can I say? I'm a guy. She's a chick. All her...parts were in the right place. And after the way Aeryn had been treating me...it was just nice to spend time with someone whose heart was in the right place, and who wasn't afraid to express herself. You know, physically. As I said: I'm a guy.

So after that, we went back to the palace to figure out what to do with Clavor, but we were lucky enough that the Scarran had done it for us. Of course, Jena had to play the weepy fiance, but you could feel the relief in the court that that jerk was dead.

I had no intention of getting statue-d again, but I went to the hall to visit Katralla and Tyno -- the guy Katralla was in love with for real -- and say goodbye.

I hate long goodbyes, Pilot. People always say something that makes you change your mind.

This time, it was the Empress. She showed up to try and convince me to take my place with Katralla again, and when I told her no soap, she pulled out the big guns.

Seems they do things differently down here, Pilot. I'd given a DNA sample when we'd decided to get married, and they'd somehow been able to use it in conjunction with Katralla's...

...and she was pregnant. With my child. A child who would grow up without a father unless I allowed myself to be frozen for the next eighty years.

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Other log entries available for access...
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Guest Cast

Wayne Pygram..............Scorpius
Matt Day..............Tyno
Tina Bursill..............Novia
Felicity Price..............Princess Katralla
Felix Williamson..............Clavor
Bianca Chiminello..............Jena
Aaron Cash..............Dregon
Gavin Robins..............Cargn
Jonathan Hardy..............Kahaynu

Writer..................David Kemper
Director.................Andrew Prowse & Tony Tilse