Right now
Saturday, July 30, 2005, 03:09 PM - Pain
I'm hot as if feverish. Heart pounding, feeling of chest seems like a squishing sqirting blood through vein feeling. I'm scared :(. Heart rate is high. Pushing against my chest. Throat feels thick, swelling sensation as normal. Upperback slight tightness. Doctor would probably say "Anxiety!" I say NO! But what do I know :(. Heat flares of pain again. Like blood pearcing the walls which they flow down like knifes into butter. I do believe I have an infection. Urine is a more yellowish color at times, I'm peeing more regularly, and there's a slight stinch. Not to mention the side pains which I'm getting in that genernal area. What can I do? :( Gurgle heart squeezing pains have ceesed for a few days, though there's always antisipation waiting for when they'll come back, I know they will! I h8 life![ add comment ] | permalink |
( 0 / 0 )Another rough night.
Saturday, July 30, 2005, 10:01 AM - Pain
Crotch swelling/pressure knot pain again throughout the night continued. Sleeping was hard to do. Especially with now other areas starting to ache. So either its an infection that's spreading or something is really wrong. Doesn't matter though. No one wants to hear it. Guess I fought whatever soemthing was though woke up in a sweat this morning and aching. I researched that area pains and such yesterday. From what I can tell it's not really a testicular type area thing more like the area above, IE not in the scrotum. But the area above, the normalish area which is on the sides of that stuff. when I feel it it's like a tube or something is swollen or filled with something causing back pressure and causing the pain. I have been feeling like ive been running fever lately alot but i figured it was due to my new intense sinus problem. The sudifed helped some I didn't take any last night. Probably should have. The below sternum/upper stomach pain I haven't figured out yet. The upper muscles are tight there and every so often there's a bulge of pain. As if something is increasing in size slightly causing discomfort. I call it "left chamber of heart enlargement which rubs the inside of the chest wall near the ribcage pain". You probably call it "It's all in his head, pain". Probably asking yourself, why doesn't he go get on some antibiotics. The answer, I have never been on any for some odd reason if I get an infection, everyone tells me nothing is wrong. Yet when others around me do, it's straight to the doctors office for some antibiotics. "my teeth hurt" straight to the dentist. (Me) "my teeth hurt!" others, "it's probably just a cavity, nothing to worry about!" (Someone else) "I'm seeing spots in my vision" Straight to the hospital. (Me) "I'm seeing spots in my vision" others, "It's probably just sinus pressure, nothing to worry about". "STOP WORRING BRANDON! YOUR GOING TO BE FINE!"... Yay it's 10 AM time for my Zoloft. :([ add comment ] | permalink |
( 0 / 0 )The Batsuit
Friday, July 29, 2005, 01:26 PM - General
Recently got the chance to watch Batman Begins. I've always enjoyed the Batman movies. When I was like 12 in the mail we use to get these Sally catalog books, in one I saw the Batman 89 movie mask/cowl. I was compelled to buying it. Few years later around Halloween I wen't toiletpaper rolling with some friends as Batman. That mask was hot! Then when I was a teenager I purchased this Mortal Kombat magazine that on the very back had an order form for the Batman Forever batsuit. I've always wanted to own one, I knew this was as close as I would ever get, so I helped out at my moms store saving up to buy piece by piece the batsuit. Never managed to get every bit of it, lack the gloves/gauntlets and cape. It mostly was just latex with ties that tied toegther on the back. A black bodysuit to go over the body first. An upper torso piece which fit all the way from front to back and velcrowed to the back poorly. Extremely larger than i was shoulder wise. The "pants" if you call them that were only like chap things that you tied at the waist and the thigh areas which only went halfway in front. Came with a crotch piece made of latex which strapped on over the crotch area and somehow tied to the back. Again poorly. The batbelt was just a piece of decorated latex with shoelace ties in the back. The boots had to be the most suckiest thing ever. Not boots, but latex pieces which lay over shoes and did cover the whole lower leg area. The best part though. The Batman mask/cowl. Had a slit in the back for easy on and off wearing. Though had latex spirts which in the right light looks as though batman has a bad ache problem. Hollowed out ears which went every which direction. Though I was ok with it. I had my grandmother create some gloves/gauntlets for it and a cape made out of silk so that it would shine. I didn't have enough money to buy the original gloves and cape. All together the whole costume would cost 400 bucks. The cape i think was 80 and the gloves were 40. The rest varied I forget how much. Now these separate items are unable to be bought for this particular suit. I remember the crotch piece came in right before a halloween dance at my school. I went as batman. It was so cool. Few girls in my class would come up to me and say "who are you?" I'd say "I'm Batman" to my amazement they couldn't recognise me. I think the only thing that sucked wearing the suit was the extreme heat and it was the first time I had to wear black eye makeup. Anyway, since Batman Begins came out I got the suit out of my closet and looked it over again. Thought about finding a maniquin to put the suit on and have it stand in my room. I was talking to my mom about what I had planned and her friend that owns a store across the street said she had a maniquin. So i went to go get it. It was a female maniquin. I cleaned it up fixed it's cracked open head/torso area. Started to put the suit on it and it looked like crap :(. The maniquin twists every which away. So i decided not to make a batman out of it. Instead I remembered I once made a Scorpion costume in highschool one year. Yes I took a sewing class. I constructed the most part of the constume and my grandmother helped me figure out how to hold it together in the back. So instead I now have a Scorpion from Mortal Kombat standing in my room. It kinda works out great cuz the maniquin has the sneaking around look to it. Back to the batman suit. I had remembered I have always wanted to fix the suit up to be better. Instead of the one horizontal strap for the torso piece. I was thinking of buying some velcro of my own and sewing a new straping mechinizum to it. The cowl didnt have an actual attaching place on this suit as it does in the movie. In the batman movies the cap attaches to the front of the upper collarbone areas of the chest plate area and the cowl sits ontop attaching to the same area to interlock. This suit just sat there and didn't, I've always wanted to figure out how to attach it right. But that's a job hopefully I'll be able to get done in the future :(.[ add comment ] | permalink |
( 0 / 0 )Nothing new.
Friday, July 29, 2005, 01:04 PM - Pain
I've been trying to keep occupied with things to do. They say the mind can heal. If you focus on healing and imagining your aliment you can use your mind to heal all wounds. My mind over the past few years has gone to a state of negitive polarity. I see the bad in all things. I think to a point of actually believeing that I have no future. A belief so strong that I'm possibly unaware that I am causing my own problems. But I am down so low that I don't know how I'm going to be able to lift up. You can pump me full of all sorts of medications and that won't solve the problem. It only worsens it because taking the medication for depression makes me more depressed knowing I have to take it. Some would say I'm in a constant state of depression. The truth of the matter is. I am unable to stop thinking of the future which is possitive. What does the future hold for us? Everyone will die. There's no stopping the inevitable. As long as I am aware that this existance will cease and that there is no way to stop it only to slow it. Then I shall ever be in a state of negitive thinking. I have lost to many that I care about. Friends, family wisked away into the void of death knowing one day I will experience the same. Death is depressing, and since I think of death all the time I will stay in a state of depression. Sure medications make you temporarily forget that train of thought. I'm finding it hard to think positive. With all this pain and crap that keeps pouring on. It just keeps reminding me that death is coming. I suppose pain is good though, feeling pain means you know you're alive. More like think you are. I feel as though i'm having to struggle each day just to wake to see the next. Flaire ups of pain shoots through random areas. While a feeling of breathlessness occurs more than usual. A heavy weight sits as I breath while thoughts of what will happen next race through my mind. Trying to prepare for things to come knowing that no one can ever be totally prepared. You can only wait until it happens and when it happens you have to deal with it as it happens. I have never ventured out into the world because I knew that I would have nothing to contribute to it. If I were to get a job and have a life, I wouldn't be able to maintain it for long because of all that has happened to me and continues to happen. I never know when certain spells of discomfort, pains, loss of awareness, dizzyness, breathlessness will happen. Not to mention the other things. Each opportunity I've ever had has been shot down. I was once going to have something several times that would probably had been good things. But at the last minute boom, turns out it wasn't meant to be. I live in a state of total darkness. I've told few this but during my teen years I got the feeling I would die at a young age. Not so much a feeling feeling but as if I experienced it before and it's going to happen again. Unaware as to when it will happen, time grows short. Constantly running out of time. Time is getting faster. Days go by faster. Something's happening. I suppose i've been doomed from the start. Told I was thought to be retarded when I was in the 4th grade didn't help things, and often being told I wouldn't amount to anything as a child by a few didn't either. I continue to be ignored, perhaps to a point were soon I won't be seen. I've always had an active imagination, always thinking, able to figure out things quickly. I remember when I was a child and it started raining, I imagined that the rain wasn't touching me and I swear for a moment it didn't. But I suppose that's what a child often imagines what happens. In reality nothing did. Looking back on my life I haven't really accomplished anything. I've done nothing important. Really helped no one, sure I've done for others to make them happy but nothing that really mattered. I've always found joy in helping, seeing smiles from those I help but it's only temporary. But again not really helping them. Nothing they couldn't of done themselves. Just a point in the right direction I suppose. Enough self pitty. I suck blah blah blah. Life sucks blah blah blah.[ add comment ] | permalink |
( 0 / 0 )Woe is me
Thursday, July 28, 2005, 01:45 PM - Pain
Infections, down below, up above. Pain. Gurggling headaches. Throat. pressure. Conjestion. Toreup. Why? There is no why only that things happen for a reason. But do they have to? We have lost the control. We are going through a test phase, have been for a while. Are we worthy? Should we exist? We think we are the dominate species on this planet. But thinking doesn't mean we are. We have lost what we once knew. Other species on this planet remember what we have forgotten. We have stopped communicating with what we use to, or how we use to. Voices, sounds, smells, tastes, feel, hearing. There are more. Locked inside, reality isn't what it seems. We think what we see is real but it's just an illusion. We have been brainwashed into believeing things are as they are we forgot that things don't have to be the way they ever are. We can make things happen. We have just forgot the key to unlock the potential which is inside all of us. I think of the song that goes "We were meant to live for so much more, but we lost ourselves". That couldn't be more true. Sit down in a dark place by yourself with no noise at all. Close your eyes and listen. Listen to what's not there. You'll hear it. The sound of all things infinite. The sound of silence. Everything we hear is durived from silience. If you believe you exist you exist, but if you believe so strongly in your own nonexistance, will you stop existing? Will Power.[ add comment ] | permalink |
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